


The Gender Eaters

by toutcequonveut



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Agender Character, Agender Voldemort, Crack, Gen, Gender Issues, Humor, Torture, could be crack or could be canon and just wasn't mentioned since it wasn't relevant to Harry's story, if that makes a difference to you, ish, it's not super graphic and it's on Death Eaters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toutcequonveut/pseuds/toutcequonveut
Summary: Thinking about gender makes Voldemorttiredandconfused. Lucius helps Voldemort figure it out.Based on a prompt fromHP TransFestthat hadn't been fulfilled :D
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	The Gender Eaters

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know if this is crack or not but it _could_ have happened and just not been mentioned, since it wasn’t relevant to Harry’s story

“It’s just so _hard_ sometimes, you know?” The Dark Lord’s leg, currently draped over the arm of his throne in Malfoy Manor, kicked back and forth agitatedly. His head was leaned back over the other arm of the throne, wand in his right hand jiggling idly in thought. The jiggling had the unfortunate consequence of bouncing the Death Eater he was currently torturing on the hard marble floor several times. Selwyn wasn’t screaming, though, having long since lost his voice after multiple bouts of the Cruciatus.

“My lord?” Lucius Malfoy prompted nervously. His eyes were fixed on the sight of Selwyn before him, hoping that the Dark Lord wouldn’t decide that Lucius should take his place. 

“It’s just—” here, he heaved a huge sigh, “—I don’t always _feel_ like a _lord_. It comes with all these preconceived notions, and I don’t feel like many of them apply to me.”

Lucius paused to think for a moment. This was huge! Did that mean he was stepping down? Would he handpick his successor? Or would the Death Eaters be reformed to follow a democratic model rather than this feudalistic one? Was Voldemort a title or his name? Lucius had never known and never found the right moment to ask, and at this point it was too late. He supposed it would no longer matter soon, since they would have a new Dark Lord (or maybe Dark Lord Voldemort, if it _was_ a title). Would that imply that their next leader would be a democratically elected Dark President? Or maybe they should form an elected legislative body who would then select the Dark Prime Minister? Perhaps—

“Speak, Lucius,” the figure on the throne commanded, and Lucius realized that he had been silent for too long.

“Forgive me, I was simply contemplating what you had said, my lord.”

“But that’s just the thing! I don’t _like_ to be called ‘my lord!’” Voldemort thrashed around in the throne, and Selwyn went flying into one of the walls. “‘Lord’ doesn’t sound right! So then I wondered if ‘Lady’ sounds more fitting, but it doesn’t either!”

 _Oh._ Lucius scrapped his previous thoughts of becoming a Dark MP and reoriented himself. “Is… is there a particular title we should use for you to show our respect, if you are uncomfortable with ‘my lord’ and ‘my lady’?” he asked nervously. This was uncharted territory, after all, and he could see blood trickling down from Selwyn’s hairline. 

“Bah!” Voldemort flicked their wrist, sending Selwyn flying out the door. Immediately, they cast the Cruciatus on another of the hapless Death Eaters standing frozen helplessly before the throne. They were all disgraced in one way or another, having failed to capture Harry Potter in various disappointing ways. Macnair’s screams echoed through the room as he fell to the floor, writhing. Voldemort cast Petrificus Totalus on him, restricting the uncontrollable movement of limbs. It was one of their favorite methods of increasing the already indescribable agony of the Cruciatus, conferring an almost itching sensation on a body already on fire with pain. “Perhaps ‘my liege’? It does have masculine connotations, but not so obvious as ‘lord’ or ‘lady’.” 

“My liege,” Lucius said, trying the word out. His liege nodded enthusiastically. “Perhaps it might aid you to provide a list of aspects that apply to you, one of masculinity and one of femininity?” 

“That is a _wonderful_ idea, Lucius! I shall perform some self-introspection and when we re-adjourn tomorrow, seek your counsel once more.”

“Of course, my liege.”

* * *

The Dark Liege appeared in the doorway the next day in truly spectacular fashion. An invisible wind fluttered around them, catching the folds of lacy fabric of their new robe. Small bits of shadow flitted in and out of sight at the edges of the robe, and their fingernails were now painted a dark green. Lucius looked closer and yes, there _were_ little silver painted snakes darting across those nails. All in all, it was quite a different look than what all the Death Eaters had grown accustomed to. 

Today was a continuation of the punishments of yesterday, the disgraced Death Eaters having been confined in this room with no food or water while illusions of edible delights danced behind their eyelids. Voldemort ascended to the raised throne and took their seat and perused the people before them like a menu. Then, they cast _Crucio_ almost lazily. Mulciber let out a prolonged shriek.

“I suppose I like the flow of these robes, but lace just isn’t me,” they mused, the fingers of their non-wand hand rubbing the material in question. “I quite enjoy the nails, though. And I would quite like to have hair like yours.”

Lucius touched his luscious locks self-consciously. The Dark Liege wouldn’t think of making him cut it to fashion a wig, would they?

“...then again, it is quite enjoyable to see it on your head, too.” Oops, Lucius had gotten too careless there. He strengthened his Occlumency barriers to prevent such unfocused thoughts from straying within range of his liege’s Legilimency. 

Voldemort frowned a little, and Lucius tensed, thinking he was about to be punished. They continued, “Aside from those, there weren’t any aspects of masculinity or femininity that particularly called to me, and even then, the things I do like aren’t actually tied to either of those genders.”

After a long pause during which Lucius wasn’t sure if they would say more on the topic, he prompted, “Is that so, my liege?” 

“Well, I asked Bellatrix to try out different pronouns last night as we were making love. I believe they/them fit best.” Idly, Voldemort cast the Bone-Breaking Curse on each of Mulciber’s ribs one by one, then healed them and did it again. 

Lucius barely even noticed since he was doing his best to scrub away the mental image of his insane sister-in-law’s naked body. “Then we shall adjust accordingly, my liege.”

“And I also thought it would be nice to have breasts, though I am fond of my cock. It feels so good sliding into dear Bella’s—”

Lucius pretended a massive coughing fit rather than hear more about his liege’s sex life. It was like thinking about his parents having sex, but even worse because it involved Bellatrix Lestrange. When he was done, he cleared his throat. “My liege, I apologize for that. May I suggest something?”

“Of course, Lucius. Any input you can give me on my gender is valued.” 

_Implying that my input on, say, the plan to take over the Ministry was unwanted?_ Lucius thought sourly. Aloud, he said, “My son informed me of some goings-on from when he was at Hogwarts in his sixth year. One of his housemates, the Zabini child, similarly struggled with their gender. Draco wrote to me of the terms ‘nonbinary’ and ‘agender’. With respect, my liege, have you considered those options?”

Voldemort sat up and leaned forward eagerly, their robes swishing around their ankles. From the floor, Mulciber groaned weakly, having been shaken unceremoniously in the movement. “I have never encountered such concepts! Do tell me more.” 

“Well,” Lucius hedged. “I am not privy to the finer details, but from what Draco told me, nonbinary refers to identifying as a gender that is neither male nor female, while agender signifies having no gender at all.”

“That’s it!” Voldemort cried, standing up and raising both arms in delight. Mulciber went through the ceiling. “Agender! That is the word to describe what I have long since felt! Oh Lucius, you have made your agender liege so very happy this day.”

Lucius breathed a sigh of relief at not having to worry about being tortured today, at least. He did rather resent the hole in his ceiling that he would now have to have repaired, though. “I am glad to hear it, my liege. May I also add that there are specific flags that represent each gender and sexuality? Perhaps you would like to incorporate those into your… aesthetic?”

“Lucius, you have shown much initiative of late, but this is your crowning achievement. With such intelligence, I am glad to have you as my second-in-command. Hmm, given my own lack of gender, perhaps I might rename the Death Eaters to Gender Eaters?” They mused for a second. “Oh, it requires more than a moment’s thought. Lucius, show me these flags at once!”

“I… I cannot do that, my liege.” Voldemort’s eyes narrowed and their wand twitched towards Lucius, who gulped and quickly continued, “However, I can surely find books on the subject! As you know, the Malfoy family has access to a wealth of knowledge in addition to our wealth in gold!”

The Dark Liege sat back. “I suppose a small delay is acceptable. Go now, I desire these resources post-haste.” 

Lucius left the room, muttering mentally to himself. Who even _said_ post-haste anymore? A small blast of the floor behind him had him quickening his pace. 

All in all, it was just another day living with the Dark Liege Voldemort.

**Author's Note:**

> ...but if Voldemort _had_ meant that they wanted to establish a Death Eater democracy, which form of democracy do you think they'd have set up? Would they have written a Constitution?? Wait, in the current system did any of the Death Eaters pull up a Magna Carta????


End file.
